Today George Lucas announced that all the Star Wars films were going to be converted to 3D, it’s something that’s been on the cards for a few years but now that 3D screens are more common place and the likes of ‘Avatar’ can produce the kind of ker-ching that Lucas loves, it’s a done deal. The films will be released in 3D year on year and in order, starting in 2012. That means in less than two years time cinemas will once again be showing ‘The Phantom Menace’. Yep, that’s right, The Buggering Phantom Bloody Menace. It’s been 12 years since ‘TPM’ was released, it’s been kicked to death and it would be needlessly churlish to keep kicking the poor thing into further submission.
I am very churlish.
Has anyone said to Lucas that 3D only enhances the visuals?* It does nothing to improve the narrative, the thinly written characters, the poorly directed actors. If George Lucas is going to shove TPM back into the spotlight all I can see happening is another wave of people and bloggers moaning about how shit this movie was. Will exhausted fans, already fleeced of their cash on numerous occasions, be willing to pony up more money towards an era of the franchise that holds little or no love? How much does it cost to polish a turd? 2D to 3D conversion costs run from $50,000 to $150,000 per minute of film and I would assume that Lucas is veering towards the higher bracket. TPM runs for approx 133 painful minutes so that’s 150,000 multiplied by 133 which is…….. *mashes buttons on Casio calculator*
$19,950,000 , that’s almost 20 million dollars to polish a turd.
The problem is you can polish a turd until you can see your face reflected in it, but when all is said and done you’re still left with the undeniable smell of shit.
Of course something being shit is purely a subjective** opinion,… unless it’s proved in a video review by a serial killer, like this one.
(yeah I know it’s a bit long, but it’s a superbly put together argument).
*This may well not be true as I have yet to read about a 2D to 3D conversion that actually looks any good. So really, it could look even shittier and still be a shitty film. Everybody loses.
** I do hope I’ve used the term ‘subjective’ correctly, do let me know if I haven’t.