X-Men : First Class – Report Card

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Mutants are easy to spot. They either have wobbly photoshopped heads or look like Kevin Bacon.

The other week I finally got to see X-Men : First Class having successfully avoided seeing any footage of the movie beforehand. It was a great film, sure there’s the odd clunk of ropey dialogue or slight blemish of unfinished SFX but considering the limited budget and production time it’s a miracle that Matthew Vaughn and his colleagues managed to piece together such a great movie.

However for all its excellent touches something has troubled me about the climactic scenes of the film (major spoilers ahead if you’ve not yet seen the movie).

In the final act our heroes, the prototype X-Men, head out on their first ever mission. On the one hand the mission is a success, world-wide disaster is averted. On the other hand it’s a mission consisting of some major fuck ups. Don’t believe me? Here’s the incident report form following that event.

Super-Secret Super Hero Incident Report Form

Name : Charles Xavier

Occupation : Psychic Leader of the X-Men and that.

Gender : Male

Height : Not as tall as I was last week.

Hair : Yes (lol)

What do you think went well with your most recent mission ?

  • We stopped World War Three. (Yay!)

What do you think went less well ?

  • Just before we set off a member of our team secretly used an untested drug and disfigured himself.
  • We crashed the jet, sorry.
  • Our actions lead the government to declare mutant-kind as a menace.
  • Two members of our team (one of them a life-long friend) defected in order to start a new war against humanity.
  • We made a bit of a mess of the beach. Again, sorry.
  • Oh, and I was shot in the spine and lost the use of my legs.

Any other comments?

Yes, I will send them to you using my mind powers. *rubs temples*

As far as first days at work go I’ve seen better (although I’m not one to talk, my first day working in a supermarket I was horrendously hungover and threw up in the deodorant aisle but I digress). I’m guessing for the sequel the newly crowned X-Men will be kept busy with more menial tasks such as filing papers or cleaning drains. Then again Matthew Vaughn already has better ideas.

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