I have seen the first 30 minutes of the new Star Wars movie (in a weird dream that I had). 


 The other night, whilst I slept I attended a super exclusive screening of Star Wars : The Force Awakens. It was so exclusive you could only gain entry by living inside my subconsciousness. 

In what could literally be described as a dreamlike experience I only saw the first 30 minutes of the movie but I saw enough to share some incredible insights (and spoilers) on this non-existent cut of Star Wars VII. 

Firstly, no STAR WARS intro. It’s a bold move by JJ and one that absolutely does not pay off. A proper Star Wars movie with no opening crawl? No rousing John Williams score? Yeurgh!

Instead the movie cold opens in a dingy looking cave. There’s a character holding a flaming torch and clambering his way through the tight passages. IT’S HAN SOLO! What’s he doing? He’s up to something rascally that’s for sure, we know this because of the jaunty bassoon music by John Williams. Before we get to find out what is happening we suddenly smash cut to an extreme close up of BB-8. 

We hear him beeping away and the camera slowly zooms out to show him whizzing along. We follow BB-8 as he wheels his way through some kind of desert village. We see other droids doing all sorts of stuff. One is doing the dishes, another is carrying the shopping home. A couple of small child robots are chasing each other down the street. This goes on for a good ten minutes and is hugely boring. You kinda get the idea that JJ is showing us the minutiae of the Star Wars universe but I just wanted to see some lasers and shit. 

We then jump to the next scene. We’re introduced to animated child versions of Luke & Leia. For some reason they need to travel back in time, the reasons why aren’t clear. It turns out that their passage back through the ages lies in a video arcade from the 1980’s. They find what they’re looking for, a ‘Return of the Jedi’ arcade machine. No effort is made to acknowledge the meta-aspects of the arcade machine. Child Luke and child Leia walk up to the machine and touch the display. Blue animated arcs of lightning shoot out of the machine and ‘BLIP!’ they are both sucked in. The camera slowly pans around and peering from behind another arcade machine is DARTH VADER. The music builds in intensity as the camera zooms in super close on his face. At the musical crescendo he lets out a jolly ‘heh heh heh’ very much in the style of Homer Simpson. 

At that point I suddenly remembered that I had to be somewhere else and promptly left the cinema. The world’s press was waiting outside and they wanted to know what I thought of the movie so they could go and tell Leonardo Dicaprio. 
At that point I woke up, somewhat relieved that I hadn’t just watch the actual new Star Wars film. 

It’s now less than a week until I see a new Star Wars film (I’m going at 00:01 on Thursday, UK time) and I think my sub-conscious is more excited it than me.