I have seen the first 30 minutes of the new Star Wars movie (in a weird dream that I had). 

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 The other night, whilst I slept I attended a super exclusive screening of Star Wars : The Force Awakens. It was so exclusive you could only gain entry by living inside my subconsciousness. 

In what could literally be described as a dreamlike experience I only saw the first 30 minutes of the movie but I saw enough to share some incredible insights (and spoilers) on this non-existent cut of Star Wars VII. 

Firstly, no STAR WARS intro. It’s a bold move by JJ and one that absolutely does not pay off. A proper Star Wars movie with no opening crawl? No rousing John Williams score? Yeurgh!

Instead the movie cold opens in a dingy looking cave. There’s a character holding a flaming torch and clambering his way through the tight passages. IT’S HAN SOLO! What’s he doing? He’s up to something rascally that’s for sure, we know this because of the jaunty bassoon music by John Williams. Before we get to find out what is happening we suddenly smash cut to an extreme close up of BB-8. 

We hear him beeping away and the camera slowly zooms out to show him whizzing along. We follow BB-8 as he wheels his way through some kind of desert village. We see other droids doing all sorts of stuff. One is doing the dishes, another is carrying the shopping home. A couple of small child robots are chasing each other down the street. This goes on for a good ten minutes and is hugely boring. You kinda get the idea that JJ is showing us the minutiae of the Star Wars universe but I just wanted to see some lasers and shit. 

We then jump to the next scene. We’re introduced to animated child versions of Luke & Leia. For some reason they need to travel back in time, the reasons why aren’t clear. It turns out that their passage back through the ages lies in a video arcade from the 1980’s. They find what they’re looking for, a ‘Return of the Jedi’ arcade machine. No effort is made to acknowledge the meta-aspects of the arcade machine. Child Luke and child Leia walk up to the machine and touch the display. Blue animated arcs of lightning shoot out of the machine and ‘BLIP!’ they are both sucked in. The camera slowly pans around and peering from behind another arcade machine is DARTH VADER. The music builds in intensity as the camera zooms in super close on his face. At the musical crescendo he lets out a jolly ‘heh heh heh’ very much in the style of Homer Simpson. 

At that point I suddenly remembered that I had to be somewhere else and promptly left the cinema. The world’s press was waiting outside and they wanted to know what I thought of the movie so they could go and tell Leonardo Dicaprio. 
At that point I woke up, somewhat relieved that I hadn’t just watch the actual new Star Wars film. 

It’s now less than a week until I see a new Star Wars film (I’m going at 00:01 on Thursday, UK time) and I think my sub-conscious is more excited it than me. 

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How Much Does It Cost To Polish A Turd?

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Hmmm, shit this film is.

Today George Lucas announced that all the Star Wars films were going to be converted to 3D, it’s something that’s been on the cards for a few years but now that 3D screens are more common place and the likes of ‘Avatar’ can produce the kind of ker-ching that Lucas loves, it’s a done deal. The films will be released in 3D year on year and in order, starting in 2012. That means in less than two years time cinemas will once again be showing ‘The Phantom Menace’. Yep, that’s right, The Buggering Phantom Bloody Menace. It’s been 12 years since ‘TPM’ was released, it’s been kicked to death and it would be needlessly churlish to keep kicking the poor thing into further submission.

I am very churlish.

Has anyone said to Lucas that 3D only enhances the visuals?* It does nothing to improve the narrative, the thinly written characters, the poorly directed actors. If George Lucas is going to shove TPM back into the spotlight all I can see happening is another wave of people and bloggers moaning about how shit this movie was. Will exhausted fans, already fleeced of their cash on numerous occasions, be willing to pony up more money towards an era of the franchise that holds little or no love? How much does it cost to polish a turd? 2D to 3D conversion costs run from $50,000 to $150,000 per minute of film and I would assume that Lucas is veering towards the higher bracket. TPM runs for approx 133 painful minutes so that’s 150,000 multiplied by 133 which is…….. *mashes buttons on Casio calculator*

$19,950,000 , that’s almost 20 million dollars to polish a turd.

The problem is you can polish a turd until you can see your face reflected in it, but when all is said and done you’re still left with the undeniable smell of shit.

Of course something being shit is purely a subjective** opinion,… unless it’s proved in a video review by a serial killer, like this one.

(yeah I know it’s a bit long, but it’s a superbly put together argument).

*This may well not be true as I have yet to read about a 2D to 3D conversion that actually looks any good. So really, it could look even shittier and still be a shitty film. Everybody loses.

** I do hope I’ve used the term ‘subjective’ correctly, do let me know if I haven’t.